“A Monologue of a Broken Heart"

note: i saw these two compositions written by someone whom I have full respect with.. All his works are fantastic.. And these are just some of his compositions that i would like to share.. please have a time to read..



17 November 2008
In a distant Island somewhere in Palawan
0245H

It was new moon last night. I saw it rising from the horizon as we sail along the wind. I was mesmerized, of course, but I can’t force my self to just admire its beauty without remembering our love. Watching it without you by my side made me realize how empty I am. It made me realize how lonesome… how miserable… how abandoned my life had been since you left. Every time nature offers me something wonderful and breathtaking, it is not just pleasure that I feel… Why does it always have to be with pain? Why does it always have to hurt me? It seems that I live in torture. It is as if I dwell in endless suffering… so please, tell me… am I loving you too much? All I ever wanted is just to be devoted to you… though I know the harsh reality that loving you does not guarantee me a love in return. I now live a life full of agony… hatred… and remorse… yet I never blamed you… and I will never blame you… how can I know madness if it is felt against the person that I love most? It was just the moon. It was just a night… but I can’t understand it… all the beauty that this world can offer in my eyes must always have a price… and more often than not… it is the torment of realizing that you are no longer mine… that even how astonishing whatever it is in front of me… I have no choice but to adore it alone… and it saddens me… it saddens me more knowing that it was not a nightmare that will vanish away as I wake up… but something that is real… something that is existent. This is the way I live… this is the life that you left for me…

The night was supposed to be passionate… romantic... beautiful… however, only its shadow is what I see. The wind was cool and gentle… yet I can not feel it. Instead, it seems that there is something burning inside of me. I feel like hell. Inside my heart there is fire… and I can’t get rid of it either. I just wonder… does it make you happy to know that?

Since you went away, everything in my life seemed to be worthless. My dreams… my hopes… my ambitions… all gone with you. You were my life… and you were the only reason of my existence. That is why… now… everything I wanted for in this world seems to be meaningless…

I am a man blinded by my love for you… though I know you can never be mine. I would like to forget you… I would like to erase all my thoughts of you… I would like to clear my memory on our past… just like what you asked me to do… yet I can never ignore love… because I know that doing so will let me suffer as I can’t imagine… so… even though I sought to… I can do nothing about it.

I believed that I can stand on my own without you… I believe I can survive on my own accord… I believed I can live a life alone forever… I was wrong. I was really… really wrong… I can still remember when you told me to stop loving you… that I must have a life… that I must forget you… never you realized that you were asking too much… how can I stop loving you if you are the sole purpose why I live? And for heaven’s sake… how can I have a life if you were that one that gives it to me? You sustain me. You fill me. You complete me. So please explain… how is it possible to forget you?

When you told me that you were leaving… I was in total chaos… yet you were asking me to understand… to respect your decision… to be happy for you… you asked for your freedom… you asked me to let go… the worst was you used my love to break my own heart! You dared me to prove the sincerity of my love… and that is to set you free… With that, you left me no other choice… you did not realize… at that moment… at that very moment… you just asked me to die. Yet, because I love you… because I want you nothing more but happiness… I let you slip away from my hands… it broke my heart into pieces… and the most terrible part is… you took every single piece of it with you… you never knew… and I no longer have the chance to tell you… that when you asked me to let go of you… you asked me to stop breathing… you asked me to stab my soul.

It was just the moon. It was just the night… but why can’t I be happy all this time… why does loving you feels so right yet I gain nothing out of it? It only brings me pain… it only brings me sadness… but I can’t help it… I can’t control my self of thinking of you… of loving you…

Later, it will be sunrise… and I will be watching it as the sun ascends from the horizon to reveal its radiance and supremacy… it signifies a beginning of a new day… a start of a new hope… a birth of a new life… it will be very beautiful, for sure… and again… I will be witnessing it alone… Am I not permitted a single moment without mourning? Nevertheless… I must live with it.




..ps: read the continuation
http://jamaghanoy.blogspot.com/2011/01/response-of-guilty-heart-answer-to.html