In the midst of guilt and regret
1815H
You were right. The new moon you witnessed was beautiful… I saw it too. But, I would admit that your nostalgia over its view is quite predictable. You are always fascinated with the sun… the moon… and the stars… you… and you alone see the beauty hidden on everything that is existent on earth… you would adore a sunset… you would praise the sunrise… yet most often than not… I would not see it as the way you do. I tried hard to look at things at your perspective… I did my best. Actually, I did even more than my best… but, sad to say, I see nothing but the ordinary. I loved you… and I believe you felt that. I was always transparent with my feelings toward you. I told you everything… I told you the truth… so I was expecting you saw it coming. I do not hate you and I can never hate you… in fact, I love you… yes, I do… but not as intimate as it was before… now, what I feel is purely platonic… and I can’t fool my self… I can’t lie in front of my own face… so I have to admit it… I just fell out of love. I really thought you saw it coming… it was not swiftly… it was not abrupt… rather in a slow pace… gradually… I just felt that my affection was fading away… day by day… moment by moment.
It was hard for me too… to throw all our memories together… the times we spent together… yet I have no choice… I can’t live a life knowing that I am acting… that I am pretending… that I am still helplessly in love with you. I left not because of hate… I left not because I would like to hurt you… I left not to bring you pain. I left because I had loved you… and that because you are honorable… because you are pure… yet just too good to be true. I believed you will never deserve someone like me. Your love was so deep… so sincere… so real… but mine was not as passionate as yours. You always tell me that you love me… that you long for me… that I am your life… I believed you… I actually believed you… You just do not know how sweet those words to me… how I feel blessed of being loved by someone so knightly… so gentle… so pure. Yet, behind that happiness is the guilt that I can not get rid of… I had no man, other than you… at least, until the very last moment of our relationship together, I became loyal and devoted… because I did… loved you. Being loved by you is being loved by an angel… It seemed I was in the seventh heaven… floating in the clouds… gliding with the wind… but it was also like the torment of my soul for I was living in a dream… I was living to pretend it was real… with that, my conscience haunted me… for letting you believe that I was true… I was pure… I was real as you… you do not deserve someone like me… you deserve someone better… someone that enjoys the sunset… the moon… and the stars…. Someone who could see the beauty that you see… someone… but not me. I was happy with you… every moment of it will be treasured… yet whenever I think of it… it was not pure joy that I feel… there is guilt… there is regret… How I wish I can come back to you… but I am held with the truth that as always, you love me more than I love you.
You asked me if you are loving me too much. And I would say, yes you are. That is why you are hurting… that is why you can’t live a new life of your own. That is why our memories keep on tormenting you… please move on… I could not bear it more to see you suffering… you deserve a life… you deserve to be happy.
When I told you that even how profound and deep your love can be… it will never pledge you the equivalent in return… I was hoping you read between the lines… yet you were blinded by your love for me to ignore the real meaning of my words. I did not intend to surprise you with my decision… it’s just that… you never thought it will come. I can never say that I am happier now, compared to my days when we were still together… but I could say… I am more composed… I am more at peace. I can never blame you if you will despise me… because I deserve it… please… be mad at me… mock me… curse me… I deserve your madness… I deserve your grief.
You are hurting… you are in pain… you are suffering… and knowing that makes my heart bleed too… it is not just you who is hurting… who is suffering… who is in pain… I feel what you feel… for I loved you… yet I was the reason… the sole reason of your agony. So be it. You are in chaos… you told me… I’m aware of it. And I would like you to know that I am not happy to know that… I did not mean to break your heart… nor bring with me every single piece of it… now, I will enclose it to you… glued together by my guilt… whole again… beating… pure… as it has always been.
Do not live in your history… make me a distant memory… someone that lived in your past… I can never forget you… nor your kiss… your touch… and everything about you… yet I will force my self to… time will heal… time will heal… I beg you to accept my sincere apology… and listen to my account…Please… understand… I left because of my respect to you… I left because of my love… you do not deserve to mourn… so strive to be happy… find the beauty of the things around you just how you are used to… appreciate the sunset… mesmerize the night… and do it the way you were with me… enjoy life… live to the fullest… and accept the fact that I am gone. I am gone… forever.
You are a new man.
You are pure.
You are gentle
You are true.
This is beautiful! Can you tell me who the author is? Was it from a play?
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Hannah